Dear Future Me,
I don’t want to get involved in another one of these dead end relationships with an unimpressive boyfriend ever, ever, again. I mean things were fine in the beginning, he fit the list of all the things I ever wanted for a relationship, I mean I had a long list of criteria but in the end it failed.
I guess it’s my fault because I am a very logical Teutonic Austrian girl who likes order in her life and I went shopping for a boyfriend with a list, instead of just letting life happen. I found a guy who fit, or more like I thought he fit 80% of the list and I went balls to the wall trying to make it work. Now that I realize it I MADE HIM FIT THE LIST. Ok, it was 80% because he wasn’t perfect, and let’s face it there aren’t many nice guys here to pick from, so 20% is flexible. Well I was brought up like a good Austrian girl and I like my life organized, I’m not a Nazi or anything, but I love statistics and I can’t stand chaos or unpredictable situations, like I said I like order and this last guy I dated made a mess of my emotional life.
I think I never really loved the guy, I am now realizing that I chose him because he fit my shopping list and the idea of a nice Bolivian guy. I wanted to find someone with whom I could hold hands in the street and go to the movies and have romantic dinners. He seemed ok in the beginning, but then, this knight in shining armor lost his luster, and I realized he wasn’t really who I thought he was, and in the end, it was the little things that drove me mad.
I really, really, wanted to make this work. I swear to god that I was flexible with the 20%. Unfortunately he didn’t quite live up to my expectations. Tadi thinks that I was trying way too hard to have a relationship, like trying to kick a dead horse into action, or trying to jumpstart a car with no battery. You could go at it all afternoon with no results. My problem is that I would try harder the next day. Because I believed “he can change!” And I believed that I could help him change, and I realize that I refused to see him for what he really was.
I also admit that I had a lot of issues left over from my last relationship with the Stach-Stalker, the dude I lived with. Yeah, that didn’t end well, and I see that I took out a lot of that crap on my recent unimpressive boyfriend. Maybe I didn’t let myself go and I wasn’t very honest with myself. I think I let my head always get in the way of my feelings. I try to make myself happy, and most of my decisions are made with logic. I’m no Mr. Spock but, I use my head more than I trust my heart. I also realize I have a stubborn personality and that I can be difficult to get along with.
Tadi says I have a passive aggressive temper, and that I don’t really express myself freely, that when I go crazy, well I go REALLY crazy. He thinks it’s because the way the Nazi’s at my school brought me up, to be controlled, contained, and collected. The problem with that, according to him, he says that I am an emotional time bomb, and that scares the crap out of him. He says he will take cover under a table if he ever thinks I’m going to lose it.
The problem is that I realize parts of me aren’t all logical and I have to repress a lot of my emotions from time to time. And in a relationship, it drives me crazy. And there are days I want to kill people. I realize I was too much woman for the little dude I was dating and that he really didn’t live up to the expectations I had created. He wasn’t terribly spectacular or creative in bed, and he was quite immature for his age. BUT, I was willing to overlook all of that, because I wanted to fall in love and be swept off my feet and I was desperate to have all the cheesy romantic feelings you read about in books and watch in movies. I miss the Stach-Stalker sometimes.
I think I have to let things happen and trust my feelings more. Many things in life don’t work perfectly and there are all kinds of unkowns. I realize now that shopping lists are good for buying dish washers, hair driers and TV sets. I realize that finding a boyfriend like this can be complicated. I understand it’s a fucked up Austro-German need to keep my life in order. I also realize that I am not 100% Austrian about everything. I realize that I think in Spanish, and as we all know, Spanish is the most irrational language on the planet, and it conflicts with my very logical and ordered Austro-German self. I think that a little part of me is dominated by the Spanish speaking irrationality and the melodramatics you see in Venezuelan soap operas which is the cause of a deep conflict within myself. I’m not saying I have a double personality or anything, but I have not found a balance of these two sides of me yet.
I realize my shopping list for my last boyfriend was really a compilation of things that were the opposite of the Stach-Stalker. I think I should start being less logical and more intuitive. When I am sad, I force myself to be happy, when my relationships get stuck, I force myself to work them out. I should listen to my feelings more, even if they are bit irrational, well, not to the point where I would get so drunk I’d call the Stach-Stalker for a fling at 3am, but enough to go with the flow. I realize that a relationship is more complicated than a shopping list and statistical analysis, and that I should learn to accept my feelings and myself more openly before I get hooked up with the next Stach-Stalker.
Fraulein Stach, the compulsive boyfriend shopper.